Hello,
Well..I am currently dead tired, but I am super bored and in a contemplative mood, so I figured I would write a new blog since I haven't written one in awhile.
Not a whole lot is new since my last blog, although I am planning on quitting my job. The boss there, the coworkers constantly ordering me around are too much to handle, and Linda is no longer there to talk to about things. So really, I just feel like I don't belong there anymore...kind of like a worn-out relationship which you grow out of. My friend Q from Spanish class thinks that his mom can get me a job at Petsmart, seeing as she is high up there.. so hopefully that works out and I am able to quit this weekend, I have already finished my letter of resignation, and it is pretty good if I do say so myself.
Anyways. Back to the contemplative part. Lately, I have been thinking way too much for my own good. Well, I always do that. But lately, I've been wondering who I am. I mean, I have obviously changed since the situation with D, but I am over him. Now it's just a matter of changing back. I suppose it's not possible to fully change back, because it is something I learned from and something I will never forget; it has shaped me into who I am today. But at the same time, I feel that since this has happened, I have distanced as a person. Mainly when it comes to boys. I am so afraid to trust them, no matter who they are, and it's really not a good way to be and I know this. Sometimes I feel completely emotionless, like I will never be able to get attached to anybody again. I just don't know how to rise up out of it. I wish that it were simpler, and like basically every other girl friend I have, that I could just fall in love with somebody and have them love me back, and be happy. But it's never as easy as that, is it? The closest person I have come close to loving since the D incident is X, which is problematic considering he lives roughly 3,000 miles away, and the only time I am ever able to see him is in the summer. I don't even know if it was love, or what, I just know that I love him to pieces for always being there for me and caring about me no matter what crap of a situation I am going through. He doesn't judge me, and he's not one of those let's-comfort-her-so-I-can-get-in-her-pants kind of guys. He is always there to back me up with his elaborate plans which usually involve gas tanks and a helicopter. I have other guy friends too, who are very nice.. and whom I assume could be possible candidates.. but I don't know. I think this situation could be comparable to when my cat died, as strange of an analogy as that is. When my cat (who was by the way, my best friend for all of my elementary school years) died, I got a new kitten barely a week later, and that kitten who has grown into a cat drives me up the wall. Part of that is I think because I tried to move on too soon, and another part of that is because I tried to think the kitten was my old cat, which she certainly was not. I think it's like that with relationships now. I had one relationship which was great and I loved, and when it died.. I just kind of got lost. I find myself comparing every other guy or relationship to it, which probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world to be doing. I have become way too critical of guys over the slightest things. So my question: how do I stop that? How do I just start fresh again in the love game, with no prejudices?
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2 comments:
Hmm....
Kayleen, I know the pain you felt. It's hard to lose our first love, especially since we believe that it will be our only love. I know it's hard not to compare other guys to D, but you have try. No, those other guys can't offer what D can, but they do have other things they can offer you.
Love is such a difficult thing to understand, and it's even harder to grasp it when your in it. Those potential candidates you spoke of might offer you something D didn't, but you'll never know if you don't give them a chance. It's good that your trusting of so many guys, but maybe before you let them too far into the friend zone before anything can happen with them.
Your a great catch. Your going to make some guy increadibly happy.
Qualities I Forgot To Mention Yesterday:
1. Is willing to talk for hours on end even after the conversation feels like it's died off.
2. Just being around you makes people happy.
3. No matter how bad it is, she's there to show you the good.
4. Just plain beautiful
Never doubt yourself for a second. I know that in a heartbeat at least 20 guys would give their lives to go out with you. Kayleen, all you can do is ask God to take in the doubt that you feel and allow him to make it go away. He's waiting for you Kayleen. The right guy is coming for you and when he does, he'll make you feel what you thought you'd never feel again.
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