Hello There Blog,
It is 11:46 pm and I have to work early tomorrow morning so writing a blog at this time of night probably isn't the wisest idea in the world, but that's okay. I feel like I need to talk to somebody, and nobody is online to really talk to, so yay for blogs!
The title of my blog (which is a song lyric from Dashboard Confessional's "Broken Heart") somewhat describes what I am feeling right now. I am usually so happy with everything, but things just seem different lately. As the title says, I sometimes feel like I am pushing people away, because I am afraid of burdening them by telling them anything, or by just plain not trusting them. I have noticed that I am considerably drifting from S, which worries me. Rather, I would think that it is more a case of S drifting from me, but same difference, I suppose. It seems like she is always with A, or talking to him (even when we do hang out, her cell phone is in her hand texting him the entire time, so it's almost like we're not even hanging out sometimes). When I ask her what is wrong, she always says that she is just stressed because of school, but I still don't understand that. I mean, I know after A, school is her life; but why does it seem to be tearing us apart? I remember the time when I used to be the one she would tell everything to, and now I think that person is A. I feel like such a tool when I have to ask A why S seemed down that day, when before I would have been the first person she told. It just seems like she keeps pulling away from me, and then when she does try to come back to me, I almost feel like I am sometimes pushing her away because I am afraid of her just rejecting and forgetting about me again. Sometimes I feel like my worst fear is coming true, and I am all alone in the world. At least as far as school goes... despite the fact I have many friends there. I guess it just makes a large impact when you barely talk to the person you are so used to telling everything to. Such as this morning, we had our choir exec meeting, and I texted her first thing this morning saying "Choir meeting this morning, woot! :D" and then she sent one back saying "woot woot!" and then she never showed up to the meeting! I tried to tell her how it hurt me, but she didn't understand, and instead she looked the other way with this really uncomfortable look on her face, as if I had just insulted her. I don't know what to do anymore. She gets so upset when the least little thing goes wrong with A; how come I don't matter anymore? I know I should probably talk to her about it, but the more I try to talk to her about it, the more I feel like my mother when she used to nag me for not talking enough when i was thirteen. So I suppose I should just let it go for now, and see what happens.
Tonight we had our first band practise in about two months. We have kept on putting them off, because of M's obsession with World of Warcraft, me going to NYC and then losing my voice, and then A simply losing interest and not coming. We were actually very productive tonight, more than we have been in awhile. We did a few Beatles tunes, and then we made some lyrics to the song R and A made two months ago: "Unfathemed Soup Tangle". It's actually turning out to be a pretty good song, and the other band members are talking about doing a gig sometime, so that would be pretty cool to actually play in front of people instead of in R's bomb shelter in his basement.
Anyhoos, I should probably be getting to bed seeing as I have to wake up early tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Kay
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Let me tell you a story about two boys named Jamie and Nick. When Jamie met Nick he really didn't care for him all that much. As years went by and certain things happened Nick became the one person Jamie trusted above all else. However, as they got older they both realized that their paths had led them to seperate lives. Nick was always going out and partying with his friends while Jamie sat at home playing video games. Nick began dating while Jamie stayed at home playing on his computer. Jamie looked up to Nick more than Nick would ever know. Jamie would brag about their friendship to everyone because it meant the world to Jamie that he would get to hear all these stories about making out with girls and drinking. Eventually Jamie and Nick drifted even further and now they haven't spoken in over 6 months. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't. Both of them are to stubborn to call the other to find out their doing. Jamie thinks about Nick almost everyday and worries about his good friend. Nick does likewise, asking the people at his work who know Jamie, how he's doing and why Jamie won't call to hang out or just talk. Kayleen you and S have a great friendship. I pretty much lost my best friend, and it's one of the hardest things i've had to go through. S still needs you regardless if she doesn't tell you whats bothering her. She may not know it, so remind her that your there even if she won't tell you whats wrong. She's pushing you away now, but she needs you more than ever. The question is, will you be there to catch her when she falls?
Post a Comment