Hello Blog,
I haven't written in awhile, so here I am. It has been crazy busy lately, it seems as though everything is coming at me at once since we have exams, and then the whole job situation, the stalker situation, the first gig in two weeks situation, and the situations that always occur with friends. Well not so much between friends, but when something is wrong with a friend, I think it's normal to feel their pain and that is kind of what is happening now. It's hard to believe that summer is so close, but I can't wait!!
This weekend is going to be insane, tomorrow I am going with A to a music store so that we can buy strings, a tambourine, picks, and patch chords for Heritage Day. So that should be fun seeing as I haven't hung out with A in awhile. I think L is probably coming too, because she is coming over tomorrow and sleeping over (woot!). We haven't had a sleepover since before she left for Switzerland! And then on Sunday, S is coming over and we are going to see our friend K (not me, another K) in her dance recital. Then next week, I have to do my religion presentation on Monday, my Spanish presentation on Wednesday, and my English presentation on Friday. Busy busy busy! I think it is going to be a period of insanity from now until the exams, which aren't for another two weeks. And then everything is over...scary thought, eh? What's even scarier is the thought that a year from now, I am going to be getting ready to graduate. I am looking forward to the future, but in a way, I fear it. I can't wait to go to university and study medicine, but at the same time, I am going to miss my friends. I can't wait to move out and survive on my own, but at the same time, it seems like so much responsibility.
Anyways.. this is a super short entry, but I am thinking that I should probably stop procrastinating on my English monologue and get 'er done.
Until Next Time,
Kay
Friday, May 30, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Run With Me Through Rows of Speeding Cars
Hello,
Well..I am currently dead tired, but I am super bored and in a contemplative mood, so I figured I would write a new blog since I haven't written one in awhile.
Not a whole lot is new since my last blog, although I am planning on quitting my job. The boss there, the coworkers constantly ordering me around are too much to handle, and Linda is no longer there to talk to about things. So really, I just feel like I don't belong there anymore...kind of like a worn-out relationship which you grow out of. My friend Q from Spanish class thinks that his mom can get me a job at Petsmart, seeing as she is high up there.. so hopefully that works out and I am able to quit this weekend, I have already finished my letter of resignation, and it is pretty good if I do say so myself.
Anyways. Back to the contemplative part. Lately, I have been thinking way too much for my own good. Well, I always do that. But lately, I've been wondering who I am. I mean, I have obviously changed since the situation with D, but I am over him. Now it's just a matter of changing back. I suppose it's not possible to fully change back, because it is something I learned from and something I will never forget; it has shaped me into who I am today. But at the same time, I feel that since this has happened, I have distanced as a person. Mainly when it comes to boys. I am so afraid to trust them, no matter who they are, and it's really not a good way to be and I know this. Sometimes I feel completely emotionless, like I will never be able to get attached to anybody again. I just don't know how to rise up out of it. I wish that it were simpler, and like basically every other girl friend I have, that I could just fall in love with somebody and have them love me back, and be happy. But it's never as easy as that, is it? The closest person I have come close to loving since the D incident is X, which is problematic considering he lives roughly 3,000 miles away, and the only time I am ever able to see him is in the summer. I don't even know if it was love, or what, I just know that I love him to pieces for always being there for me and caring about me no matter what crap of a situation I am going through. He doesn't judge me, and he's not one of those let's-comfort-her-so-I-can-get-in-her-pants kind of guys. He is always there to back me up with his elaborate plans which usually involve gas tanks and a helicopter. I have other guy friends too, who are very nice.. and whom I assume could be possible candidates.. but I don't know. I think this situation could be comparable to when my cat died, as strange of an analogy as that is. When my cat (who was by the way, my best friend for all of my elementary school years) died, I got a new kitten barely a week later, and that kitten who has grown into a cat drives me up the wall. Part of that is I think because I tried to move on too soon, and another part of that is because I tried to think the kitten was my old cat, which she certainly was not. I think it's like that with relationships now. I had one relationship which was great and I loved, and when it died.. I just kind of got lost. I find myself comparing every other guy or relationship to it, which probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world to be doing. I have become way too critical of guys over the slightest things. So my question: how do I stop that? How do I just start fresh again in the love game, with no prejudices?
Well..I am currently dead tired, but I am super bored and in a contemplative mood, so I figured I would write a new blog since I haven't written one in awhile.
Not a whole lot is new since my last blog, although I am planning on quitting my job. The boss there, the coworkers constantly ordering me around are too much to handle, and Linda is no longer there to talk to about things. So really, I just feel like I don't belong there anymore...kind of like a worn-out relationship which you grow out of. My friend Q from Spanish class thinks that his mom can get me a job at Petsmart, seeing as she is high up there.. so hopefully that works out and I am able to quit this weekend, I have already finished my letter of resignation, and it is pretty good if I do say so myself.
Anyways. Back to the contemplative part. Lately, I have been thinking way too much for my own good. Well, I always do that. But lately, I've been wondering who I am. I mean, I have obviously changed since the situation with D, but I am over him. Now it's just a matter of changing back. I suppose it's not possible to fully change back, because it is something I learned from and something I will never forget; it has shaped me into who I am today. But at the same time, I feel that since this has happened, I have distanced as a person. Mainly when it comes to boys. I am so afraid to trust them, no matter who they are, and it's really not a good way to be and I know this. Sometimes I feel completely emotionless, like I will never be able to get attached to anybody again. I just don't know how to rise up out of it. I wish that it were simpler, and like basically every other girl friend I have, that I could just fall in love with somebody and have them love me back, and be happy. But it's never as easy as that, is it? The closest person I have come close to loving since the D incident is X, which is problematic considering he lives roughly 3,000 miles away, and the only time I am ever able to see him is in the summer. I don't even know if it was love, or what, I just know that I love him to pieces for always being there for me and caring about me no matter what crap of a situation I am going through. He doesn't judge me, and he's not one of those let's-comfort-her-so-I-can-get-in-her-pants kind of guys. He is always there to back me up with his elaborate plans which usually involve gas tanks and a helicopter. I have other guy friends too, who are very nice.. and whom I assume could be possible candidates.. but I don't know. I think this situation could be comparable to when my cat died, as strange of an analogy as that is. When my cat (who was by the way, my best friend for all of my elementary school years) died, I got a new kitten barely a week later, and that kitten who has grown into a cat drives me up the wall. Part of that is I think because I tried to move on too soon, and another part of that is because I tried to think the kitten was my old cat, which she certainly was not. I think it's like that with relationships now. I had one relationship which was great and I loved, and when it died.. I just kind of got lost. I find myself comparing every other guy or relationship to it, which probably isn't the healthiest thing in the world to be doing. I have become way too critical of guys over the slightest things. So my question: how do I stop that? How do I just start fresh again in the love game, with no prejudices?
Friday, May 16, 2008
And Pushing You Far Away, Cause I'm Scared;
Hello There Blog,
It is 11:46 pm and I have to work early tomorrow morning so writing a blog at this time of night probably isn't the wisest idea in the world, but that's okay. I feel like I need to talk to somebody, and nobody is online to really talk to, so yay for blogs!
The title of my blog (which is a song lyric from Dashboard Confessional's "Broken Heart") somewhat describes what I am feeling right now. I am usually so happy with everything, but things just seem different lately. As the title says, I sometimes feel like I am pushing people away, because I am afraid of burdening them by telling them anything, or by just plain not trusting them. I have noticed that I am considerably drifting from S, which worries me. Rather, I would think that it is more a case of S drifting from me, but same difference, I suppose. It seems like she is always with A, or talking to him (even when we do hang out, her cell phone is in her hand texting him the entire time, so it's almost like we're not even hanging out sometimes). When I ask her what is wrong, she always says that she is just stressed because of school, but I still don't understand that. I mean, I know after A, school is her life; but why does it seem to be tearing us apart? I remember the time when I used to be the one she would tell everything to, and now I think that person is A. I feel like such a tool when I have to ask A why S seemed down that day, when before I would have been the first person she told. It just seems like she keeps pulling away from me, and then when she does try to come back to me, I almost feel like I am sometimes pushing her away because I am afraid of her just rejecting and forgetting about me again. Sometimes I feel like my worst fear is coming true, and I am all alone in the world. At least as far as school goes... despite the fact I have many friends there. I guess it just makes a large impact when you barely talk to the person you are so used to telling everything to. Such as this morning, we had our choir exec meeting, and I texted her first thing this morning saying "Choir meeting this morning, woot! :D" and then she sent one back saying "woot woot!" and then she never showed up to the meeting! I tried to tell her how it hurt me, but she didn't understand, and instead she looked the other way with this really uncomfortable look on her face, as if I had just insulted her. I don't know what to do anymore. She gets so upset when the least little thing goes wrong with A; how come I don't matter anymore? I know I should probably talk to her about it, but the more I try to talk to her about it, the more I feel like my mother when she used to nag me for not talking enough when i was thirteen. So I suppose I should just let it go for now, and see what happens.
Tonight we had our first band practise in about two months. We have kept on putting them off, because of M's obsession with World of Warcraft, me going to NYC and then losing my voice, and then A simply losing interest and not coming. We were actually very productive tonight, more than we have been in awhile. We did a few Beatles tunes, and then we made some lyrics to the song R and A made two months ago: "Unfathemed Soup Tangle". It's actually turning out to be a pretty good song, and the other band members are talking about doing a gig sometime, so that would be pretty cool to actually play in front of people instead of in R's bomb shelter in his basement.
Anyhoos, I should probably be getting to bed seeing as I have to wake up early tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Kay
It is 11:46 pm and I have to work early tomorrow morning so writing a blog at this time of night probably isn't the wisest idea in the world, but that's okay. I feel like I need to talk to somebody, and nobody is online to really talk to, so yay for blogs!
The title of my blog (which is a song lyric from Dashboard Confessional's "Broken Heart") somewhat describes what I am feeling right now. I am usually so happy with everything, but things just seem different lately. As the title says, I sometimes feel like I am pushing people away, because I am afraid of burdening them by telling them anything, or by just plain not trusting them. I have noticed that I am considerably drifting from S, which worries me. Rather, I would think that it is more a case of S drifting from me, but same difference, I suppose. It seems like she is always with A, or talking to him (even when we do hang out, her cell phone is in her hand texting him the entire time, so it's almost like we're not even hanging out sometimes). When I ask her what is wrong, she always says that she is just stressed because of school, but I still don't understand that. I mean, I know after A, school is her life; but why does it seem to be tearing us apart? I remember the time when I used to be the one she would tell everything to, and now I think that person is A. I feel like such a tool when I have to ask A why S seemed down that day, when before I would have been the first person she told. It just seems like she keeps pulling away from me, and then when she does try to come back to me, I almost feel like I am sometimes pushing her away because I am afraid of her just rejecting and forgetting about me again. Sometimes I feel like my worst fear is coming true, and I am all alone in the world. At least as far as school goes... despite the fact I have many friends there. I guess it just makes a large impact when you barely talk to the person you are so used to telling everything to. Such as this morning, we had our choir exec meeting, and I texted her first thing this morning saying "Choir meeting this morning, woot! :D" and then she sent one back saying "woot woot!" and then she never showed up to the meeting! I tried to tell her how it hurt me, but she didn't understand, and instead she looked the other way with this really uncomfortable look on her face, as if I had just insulted her. I don't know what to do anymore. She gets so upset when the least little thing goes wrong with A; how come I don't matter anymore? I know I should probably talk to her about it, but the more I try to talk to her about it, the more I feel like my mother when she used to nag me for not talking enough when i was thirteen. So I suppose I should just let it go for now, and see what happens.
Tonight we had our first band practise in about two months. We have kept on putting them off, because of M's obsession with World of Warcraft, me going to NYC and then losing my voice, and then A simply losing interest and not coming. We were actually very productive tonight, more than we have been in awhile. We did a few Beatles tunes, and then we made some lyrics to the song R and A made two months ago: "Unfathemed Soup Tangle". It's actually turning out to be a pretty good song, and the other band members are talking about doing a gig sometime, so that would be pretty cool to actually play in front of people instead of in R's bomb shelter in his basement.
Anyhoos, I should probably be getting to bed seeing as I have to wake up early tomorrow!
Until Next Time,
Kay
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Here Comes The Sun
Hello,
It's incredible..Kay has a new blog! Lots to tell and not much time (Religion ISU's = no bueno). I decided to make a new blog because A) the whole old one sounded depressing, and B), it is spring, so I thought, new season, new start (as cliche as that probably sounds).
So, to tell of latest events without having you fossilize while listening.... L (I am using initials instead of the person's real name..although I'm not sure why, seeing as if they do infact read this, they will know exactly who they are. Guess it just makes me feel special :)) got home from her exchange in Switzerland! I missed her so much, when I saw her all I did was pretty much stare because I couldn't believe it was her. It's strange how three months can seem like an eternity. But in a way, it was as if nothing ever changed.. she is still the same good ole L I know..my partner in crime. My fellow Charlie's Angle. The one I am going to jump out of a cake with when I grow up (yes, so we have some pretty meaningful life-long goals). We had fun; there were many pictures shared, and stories to catch up on.
S is still dating A, which is cute I will say. It was awkward when they first started dating because of the whole my-best-friend-is-dating-my-best-guy-friend thing, but now I don't think they could have picked anybody better. S seems strangely quiet lately though. Well, she talks and everything.. but I just have a feeling that something is wrong with her. She keeps on saying it is school, but I dunno how school can get a person down like that, seeing as we are all going through the same courses and everybody else is doing fine. Oh well, hopefully she will tell me soon.
X is back in school again, which is pretty awesome after three months of him being out. I think he is improving, at least I hope so. I am still hoping to have him come to Canada to stay for a few days in the summer, so that should be pretty awesome if my parents let him stay. Then he can meet all my wacky friends here :D
So, now the thing that is probably troubling me the most. Well, not exactly troubling... I am not upset, but I suppose it is the most confusing thing at this point in time. I am dating C, who is in the same grade as me. He is a really cool guy, he's really sweet and we have a lot in common (specifically, an obsession with animals, and the Beatles). Problem being, we have been "dating" for a week, and something just doesn't feel right. I can't exactly pinpoint what it is, but something is wrong. I think part of the problem is we both have different ideas about relationships; he is more of a PDA kind of person than I am. Like, I can see kissing goodbye and such after you have been dating for a couple of months, or a year or whatnot (everybody has their own speed), but is it really necessary to be doing that after only a week? I think a major part of the problem is that I never really got a chance to be friends with him before we started dating, and I think that kind of bothers me. It's like he didn't even really know me, and yet he asked me out. Well I suppose getting to know somebody is what dating somebody is for, but still...I think I kind of miss that aspect that we were not friends first. Maybe I have just been single for too long. Maybe it is part of my destiny to become a cat lady, so anytime I come within a five foot radius of a guy, I freak. Sometimes I wish that God could just hand me the person I am destined to marry and be like "Here ya go Kay, fear no more; there IS somebody who doesn't have four legs, a tail, and meows out there that loves you and is meant for you!" But then again, I suppose that is what growing up is for, and the search is all a part of life. My new friend J is lost somewhere in the dating game as well. I met him in New York City when we went with the choir and band this past April (well, technically I knew him before then, but I never really talked to him). He is a really cool guy, on the bus ride home we discovered that we were both equally hostile towards dating. To tell you the truth, I admire J because he isn't one of those guys who will just date somebody for the sake of dating somebody. He has been single for awhile now, yet he still believes that there is somebody out there for everyone. I think that is so awesome that he doesn't give up, and I am convinced that he will find somebody soon because of his supreme coolness, there aren't too many guys out there like him :D.
Anyways, I will stop my dating rant for now before I bore an innocent victim to death. I should probably be working on my religion ISU on the Crusades, but some of it makes me cringe to read about what horrible things Catholics did to people. I suppose things like that happen a lot nowadays, what with Iraq and the genocide in other countries..but it is sickening to think that they as Catholics convinced themselves that God wanted them to do that to people, and that it was okay. Alright, I'm off, no more procrastinating for Kay!
Until Next Time,
Kay
It's incredible..Kay has a new blog! Lots to tell and not much time (Religion ISU's = no bueno). I decided to make a new blog because A) the whole old one sounded depressing, and B), it is spring, so I thought, new season, new start (as cliche as that probably sounds).
So, to tell of latest events without having you fossilize while listening.... L (I am using initials instead of the person's real name..although I'm not sure why, seeing as if they do infact read this, they will know exactly who they are. Guess it just makes me feel special :)) got home from her exchange in Switzerland! I missed her so much, when I saw her all I did was pretty much stare because I couldn't believe it was her. It's strange how three months can seem like an eternity. But in a way, it was as if nothing ever changed.. she is still the same good ole L I know..my partner in crime. My fellow Charlie's Angle. The one I am going to jump out of a cake with when I grow up (yes, so we have some pretty meaningful life-long goals). We had fun; there were many pictures shared, and stories to catch up on.
S is still dating A, which is cute I will say. It was awkward when they first started dating because of the whole my-best-friend-is-dating-my-best-guy-friend thing, but now I don't think they could have picked anybody better. S seems strangely quiet lately though. Well, she talks and everything.. but I just have a feeling that something is wrong with her. She keeps on saying it is school, but I dunno how school can get a person down like that, seeing as we are all going through the same courses and everybody else is doing fine. Oh well, hopefully she will tell me soon.
X is back in school again, which is pretty awesome after three months of him being out. I think he is improving, at least I hope so. I am still hoping to have him come to Canada to stay for a few days in the summer, so that should be pretty awesome if my parents let him stay. Then he can meet all my wacky friends here :D
So, now the thing that is probably troubling me the most. Well, not exactly troubling... I am not upset, but I suppose it is the most confusing thing at this point in time. I am dating C, who is in the same grade as me. He is a really cool guy, he's really sweet and we have a lot in common (specifically, an obsession with animals, and the Beatles). Problem being, we have been "dating" for a week, and something just doesn't feel right. I can't exactly pinpoint what it is, but something is wrong. I think part of the problem is we both have different ideas about relationships; he is more of a PDA kind of person than I am. Like, I can see kissing goodbye and such after you have been dating for a couple of months, or a year or whatnot (everybody has their own speed), but is it really necessary to be doing that after only a week? I think a major part of the problem is that I never really got a chance to be friends with him before we started dating, and I think that kind of bothers me. It's like he didn't even really know me, and yet he asked me out. Well I suppose getting to know somebody is what dating somebody is for, but still...I think I kind of miss that aspect that we were not friends first. Maybe I have just been single for too long. Maybe it is part of my destiny to become a cat lady, so anytime I come within a five foot radius of a guy, I freak. Sometimes I wish that God could just hand me the person I am destined to marry and be like "Here ya go Kay, fear no more; there IS somebody who doesn't have four legs, a tail, and meows out there that loves you and is meant for you!" But then again, I suppose that is what growing up is for, and the search is all a part of life. My new friend J is lost somewhere in the dating game as well. I met him in New York City when we went with the choir and band this past April (well, technically I knew him before then, but I never really talked to him). He is a really cool guy, on the bus ride home we discovered that we were both equally hostile towards dating. To tell you the truth, I admire J because he isn't one of those guys who will just date somebody for the sake of dating somebody. He has been single for awhile now, yet he still believes that there is somebody out there for everyone. I think that is so awesome that he doesn't give up, and I am convinced that he will find somebody soon because of his supreme coolness, there aren't too many guys out there like him :D.
Anyways, I will stop my dating rant for now before I bore an innocent victim to death. I should probably be working on my religion ISU on the Crusades, but some of it makes me cringe to read about what horrible things Catholics did to people. I suppose things like that happen a lot nowadays, what with Iraq and the genocide in other countries..but it is sickening to think that they as Catholics convinced themselves that God wanted them to do that to people, and that it was okay. Alright, I'm off, no more procrastinating for Kay!
Until Next Time,
Kay
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